It always bugs me when I meet a new male co-worker for the first time and they immediately play the girl version of the "Who do you know?" game. The one where they go, "Oh! You're a chick! I know other chicks in this business too! Do you know Amy? Samantha? Sara? etc, etc?"
Yeah, they usually mean well, but stuff like that always rubs me the wrong way because 1) immediately pointing out that I'm different than you isn't exactly promoting equality in the workplace; 2) just because we're female doesn't mean we know each other (that's kinda like saying, "Oh, you're wearing a baseball cap! I know other people who wear baseball caps! Do you know [so and so]?"). It's not like female juicers in this business are rounded up every month for a mandatory secret gathering with cupcakes and tea. If I happen to know the person you're mentioning, it's because I've met and/or worked with her before, just like I happened to meet and/or worked with every other person (male or female) that you may know. And 3), believe it or not, girls often don't get along with each other.
Which makes the "Who do you know?" game kinda tricky. You may say to me, "Oh, I know this really cool girl named [blah blah]. She's a badass on set. Do you know her?" and think you're trying to be all friendly and create a common bond between us, but there's a good chance that while I'm smiling and nodding on the outside, inside, I'm thinking, "Yeah, I remember [blah blah]. She was such a bitch to me."
I hate to say it, but sometimes those stereotypes about women being catty to each other are true and unfortunately, just because we're women trying to hack it in a male dominated world doesn't automatically mean that we're hugging each other and singing Kumbaya around the campfire. It doesn't mean that we vent to each other our shared frustrations about working with sexist pigs. And unfortunately, it doesn't even mean that we support one another in our accomplishments.
Out of the handful of women juicers I know and have worked with, there are only one or two of them that I truly enjoy working with and vise versa. We cheer each other on when one of us lands an awesome job and lend each other a hand if we need help with something. The other women I know, I probably couldn't care less about it. I don't know what I may or may not have done to them, but they just don't like me. They often barely say hello to me in the morning, roll their eyes at me if I need a hand unloading cable, or the ultimate girl tactic, act all nice to me in person, but then talk shit about me behind my back.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't get it. I don't understand why it's considered "normal" for us ladies to be so bitchy towards one another. In the "real world," maybe. If you're vying for the last promotion within your nine-to-five job or don't like the looks of the girl with the pretty blonde hair that's suddenly talking to your secret crush, then I can maybe understand the bitch factor coming into play. But come on, in an industry where there are so few females to begin with? You'd think we'd at least try to pretend to give a shit about one another. I remember all the bullshit I had to put up with getting to where I am and how nice it feels when I have someone to commiserate with and talk to, so it baffles me when I work with a woman who doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.
And I suppose one could argue that maybe I'm giving off that vibe as well, but I really doubt it. I was on this one crew not too long ago and it just happened to be that there was another female in our department. I didn't particularly have a problem with her, but the rest of guys on the crew did. "She's not really a team player," was a complaint I've heard from a few of them, "She'll do all this stuff by herself and kinda push you away like she has something to prove. Who is she trying to impress? Why can't we all work together? I help you, you help me." It would've been so easy for me to jump onto that bandwagon and dish out my own complaints about her. Me and my new colleagues could bond over our common dislike of someone, cementing my place on that crew as someone the guys could relate to and get along with.
But I didn't. Instead, I played the compassion card. I told them I could understand where she was coming from. That I've had to deal with the same chauvinistic pigs in this business that she has. The ones who didn't think women belonged on set. With guys like that, you had to prove you could do the work by yourself or else you didn't work at all, and if you work jobs like that long enough, that kind of ethic can stick with you no matter who you're working with now. And while I may not exactly agree with her "I'll do it all myself" attitude, I stood up for her because I felt like I could relate to her more than any of these guys could. Whether she knew it or not, I was her best ally on the set.
But her attitude towards me? She'd roll her eyes whenever I needed a hand lifting something heavy, like all those chauvinistic pigs before her. As if I was putting the woman's movement back a few years by asking for a little help. She wouldn't greet me in the morning or say goodbye at the end of the night unless I made the first move. She'd barely say two words to me the whole time we worked together, other than brush me off with a "I've got this. Why don't you go help the other guys."
Damn girl. Why you gotta play it like that?
I want to see more women on set doing what we do. I'd like to one day work in a business where getting a swag shirt cut for the female form isn't such a big deal. I'd like to have a co-worker who I can chit chat with about getting our nails done or giggling about how our underwear keeps riding up our asses today. But none of that can happen if we can't even get along with each on the job.
I don't understand it. Why aren't we nicer towards each other? Why is it so hard for us to support one another in the workplace? I'm not asking to be best buddies with every chick on set I meet, but why aren't we helping each other more? Why can't we all just get along?
UPDATE:
Apparently, great minds think alike. TAPA touches on the same topic this week.
4 comments :
It's very true. The industry is super competitive, and my take is that some women try to play up their game alone, perhaps in the hopes of being noticed as a woman who succeeds in a world of men, and gaining the upper hand that way.
Perhaps that's why they are standoffish. I can't stand it either. I don't have time for it, I just want to do my job, and that keeps me plenty busy, so I agree, a little bit of support or even just a hello would be nice. But as long as another woman is perceived as a threat, that's their problem, not mine. So I'll say hi, see what response I get, and even if it's friendly at first, I kind of wait and see what happens next, because I have met women who actually go as far as sabotaging my work, hiding or breaking stuff, bad mouthing me behind my back, etc..
Best thing is to just treat them the same as guys, don't look for any support because they are women, specially since they are playing politics like that. It does bum me for some reason, but that's the way it is.
C.B. - I'm not surprised to hear about the badmouthing ('cuz you know, women are expected to be catty for some reason) but the sabotage and hiding stuff? WTF??
I'm never really looking for support in other women on the job. I'm just surprised to find that we can be so detrimental to each other.
Such intramural sabotage isn't limited to women, but can occur when anyone perceived as an outsider -- a threat -- breaks into what had been a closed system or group. Back when I was in NABET (well before the merger with the IA), one of our local's more successful gaffers landed a job gaffing a big television mini-series, which were popular at the time. It was an IA show, but the DP insisted on this gaffer, so the producers did whatever they had to and made it happen.
The IA crew was not happy, and didn't hide their feelings. Worse, the rigging crew actively sabotaged this gaffer, running 220 to 110 lamps to make the bulbs blow, and finding other fiendishly clever ways to fuck with the rig and thus make him look bad on shoot day.
It was ugly for a while, but he soldiered through in spite of all the resistance, and ended up carving out a solid career gaffing big IA movies.
Sometimes people -- male or female -- are just assholes...
Michael - I have no doubt in my mind that some guys are more than capable of pettiness and sabotage. However, the type of unfriendliness I talk about in my post is one that I've only experienced from working with other women. I'm not sure how to explain it. Perhaps it's a certain vibe we give off to one another? A specific kind of cattiness? Our subtlety with the art of manipulation?
Either way, I've worked with countless guys who are mean and condescending, but the way women do it has a certain je ne sais quoi to it, making their barbs all that much hurtful and puzzling. It's somehow not as straightforward as the douchbaggery I'm used to getting from the men.
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