"What Did I Give Up?"

 

*Note: As previously mentioned, I'm going through an old journal and posting some entries here. This is one of them.

What did I give up?

I left a show, a family, that's been there fore me for the past eight years to spend the next five months working with strangers, all for a Gaffer I'm not even sure I like. One who often promises things he'll forget about or not follow through on. 

I've given up day playing with people I haven't seen for over a year to work for someone who never once asked me if I was okay when I got sick on his show. I given up up working with people who care about me to work for someone who ignores me once someone else starts talking.

Right now, I feel like I don't fit in here. I don't know what he expects of me. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I expect from myself. And I don't know why he practically begged for me to be here if he's just going to cast me aside. I feel somewhat lost and lonely, which is something I haven't felt in a while. If ever. 

I don't feel like I made the wrong choice by being here. But I don't feel excited or happy about this opportunity either. 

Maybe because I don't have a sense of purpose here and I keep thinking about the other jobs I could be on. The projects where I'm valued and it's noticed when I'm gone. Projects where we work as a team. Where I feel like I'm somebody and matter. 

Am I feeling sad because I'm mourning the loss of my "other life"? The loss of [a longtime co-worker]? Both? Or am I just that unhappy here? How do I figure this out?

My Gamble: Update.

 

The previous post was a journal entry from years ago, and the follow up to it is that yes, I felt lost during those five months. And I was miserable at work. But I did make the right choice in going. 

As adrift as I was during that time, not knowing where I fit in with the local crew, it was definitely an opportunity of a lifetime and I would have regretted it had I not taken it. Travelling while working was something I thought would be so fun when I was a kid and honestly, that was part of the appeal for me in joining this industry. I wanted to travel and make movies and get paid for it so I did this for childhood me. I can spend the rest of my career doing TV shows in LA, but at least I can say that, if only for a little while, I had my dream career.

I also not only got to experience a difference culture, but I got to fully immerse myself in it for a few months. I learned how to live in a different country on my own (maybe with a little help from production) and travel around in that country on my own (we won't talk about the time I boarded the wrong train). I learned (parts of) a new language that I still swear in from time to time. 

I met new people and forged new relationships that lasted well past the expiration date of the job. One in particular, after surviving the hurdle of keeping in touch after the show ended, I hoped would last a lifetime. Instead, it was disappointment after disappointment before it's abrupt and heartbreaking end. But I still don't regret it. It was what it was and I'm grateful for the good times we did have.

I guess that's kind of the takeaway from all of it. During those five months, I did feel lonely. I did feel lost. I felt useless at work. I felt like an outsider most of the time. But there were pockets of good times. Great memories. I'll have stories to tell for years. Insights that others may never get. Once in a lifetime experiences. My childhood dream was fulfilled. 

Despite sometimes being unhappy there and some things falling apart when I got back, I don't regret going. I made the right choice. Otherwise I would've spent the rest of my life wondering "what if..." and to me, that's worse than anything that could've happened...

My Gamble.

 

*Note: As previously mentioned, I'm going through an old journal and posting some entries here. This is one of them.

I am essentially alone, 5,000+ miles away from anyone I know. Today is the first day I've actually thought about what I've done. That I'm actually taking some kind of risk instead of just taking an opportunity. 

Part of the reason why I've day played for the last year and a half is because I enjoyed the freedom. I could say "no" if I didn't like any aspect of the job. I turned down at least three full time spots on jobs with people I actually like because I didn't want to be tied down. 

And now, here I am, 5,000+ miles and five months from anyone I know, and 5,000+ miles and five months away from another job, I've come 5,000+ miles to work for someone I barely knew a handful of years ago and haven't heard from since. If I'm miserable here, I'll be miserable for five months, including 85+ shooting days. And if I'm lost, I'll be lost until at least December. I'll be feeling adrift for that long and I hate feeling adrift at all. 

If this doesn't work out, I'm trapped.

But I suppose this is what they mean when they say the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. I just hope I made the right choice...

Hello.

 

I had no idea it's been so long since I posted anything. I thought maybe a couple months had gone by instead of half a year! 

Truth is, I've been in a blah mood. I'm still running with some good crews and stayed away from the previously written about shit crew, but when I don't have the distraction of work, I'm feeling unmotivated. It's been almost a year since that show wrapped and honestly, I still think about it a lot. I still keep in touch with a few people there (I loved them enough to stay after all) but sometimes I think back to how terribly I was treated and how those I needed to have my back, didn't. I think I suffered a lot of mental trauma from that show, questioning my self worth and my self esteem taking a hit. It took a long time for me to be comfortable actually participating on set when I went back to day playing and sometimes it still surprises me that co-workers are looking at me when I'm speaking, because they're actually listening to me. How fucked up is that? (How fucked up am I?)

Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll eventually be in a good enough place to write about it. This blog is kind of a journal of my life in this industry, and it wouldn't be complete without this chapter, especially since it's effected me so. But I'm still trying to wrap my head around what exactly happened and see the bigger picture. I need some clarity before I can step back and reflect on it. And as I've tried to spend the past year trying to figure that out, life also keeps coming at me. Loved ones have passed. Loved ones have left. New worries arise while the old worries are still hanging around. These past few months have been a lot and I'm just trying to get through it all, one step at a time.

I'll get through it all eventually. I just don't know when. But in the meantime, I found an old journal with some stories that relate to this industry, so I might post those. Maybe converting them here will inspire me to write more and get me out of this funk I'm in. 

Sorry for being M.I.A. I hope you're still here reading.

Love,
-A.J.