I was in a pretty good mood one Thursday afternoon. The sun was shining outside, birds were singing loudly, and cookies were baking in my oven. And to make the day even better, a good friend from back up north IMed me. I haven't seen or spoken to her in a while, so playing catch-up on this already awesome day was just icing on the cake. She was still glowing from her weekend getaway with her new beau when she sent me a link to her flickr page so I could see the pictures of them lollygagging around on the beach. But there were only a few of those, and I found myself poking around the other albums she had, including ones from a recent concert and her last birthday.
As I looked through, I couldn't help but notice some familiar faces. Faces of mutual friends dotted almost every picture, and each event was like a mini high school reunion. They all looked so happy, joking around with each other, eating cake and dancing around. It was good to see everyone with a smile on their face. But as I clicked through the albums, I realized that she doesn't have any pictures of me. And not because I'm allusive around cameras and I hate being in pictures, but because I was nowhere near any of those events. While they all spent the last few years back up north, I've been down in LA.
And that's when it kind of hit me. I'm essentially alone in this town. Sure, I have caring neighbors and a number of friends to hang out with, but no one I've really connected with. No one who I'd love to spend a whole day with, just hanging out and doing nothing.
Which go me wondering, "What am I doing here?" I'm not exactly working these days, and without work, there's no income, no stars to reach for, no ladder to climb. I'm basically sitting on my ass here in LA, hoping that SAG will sign a contract soon and production will start up again. But even then, there's no guarantee that I'd find work. At this point, I've been out of the loop for a tad too long and I have no idea if any of my connections will still lead me to a paycheck. So... What am I still doing here? Why aren't I back up north, hanging out with good friends and ending up on flickr pages?
After some thinking, I couldn't come up with any answer better than "because I have to be here." I've given up alot to be where I am. And I mean where I am physically. I moved 500 miles away from a loving family, true friends, stable job offers, and anything comforting I once had, to live in a crowded, noisy city known for it's lying, cheating people and polluted air. A place where everyone's a stranger. I came to LA, despite all the negatives, because this is where you have to be if you want a career in film, whether you want to be a director, writer, producer, or just a PA. This is where it all starts, and while it may be hard, self defeating, brutally honest, abusive and kicks you in the face from time to time, this is where you have to be. The lessons will be hard, the hours will be long, and the risk is high, but simply put, this is where you have to be.
Right now, the chances seem slim that I'll be anyone with a name in this biz. But I have to try. I've come too far to turn back now, and in all honesty, I don't want to. I've given up a lot of things to get here, and at each step of the way, I knew exactly what I was giving up and at each step I took, I had no idea what I was getting into. But this is where I have to be. It's a scary road to be taking alone, and I have no idea where it's leading me, but I have to hold onto the hope that it'll lead to more cookies and sunny days.
(Previously)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The New Kid.
It's no secret that things have been slow in Hollywood lately, which is why I got excited when I got a call for work last week. I mean, the kind where you jump around your apartment kind of excited. Not only was it a decent rate (for me anyway) but it was a commercial for a well known brand and it was a union job. Unfortunately, because of certain rules, the union can't know about me being there, so it took some creative finagling to get me on the crew and I wouldn't get any permit days out of it (I need 30 to be union eligible and I have none so far). But I didn't care. This job meant that I'd get a paycheck, a chance to hang out with some big-time union boys and hopefully a new connection or two for future jobs. Woot!
So anyway, I got all excited, counting down the days and making sure my gear was organized and accounted for. When it was time to work, however, I was surely disappointed. I don't know if it was because of the way I looked (female), or because I was simply the only non-union person therefore deemed incompetent, but most of those guys treated me like I didn't know one end of an extension cord from another. Only one guy was smart/nice enough to ask me if I've been on a shoot before, and he was the only one to actually put me to work (when there was work to be done anyway. It was a pretty easy day).
The best/worst offense was before the day even started and we were waiting for the pass van to take us to the location. I had just met the key grip and we were standing by the catering table and truck where breakfast was being served. Despite the fact that I've been there for half an hour and already ate the breakfast offered, the key goes on to actually explain the concept of breakfast to me, as well as how to get it, etc. (And for those of you who've never experienced an on-set breakfast, think a buffet style catered party. It's pretty self explanatory how you get food.) Seriously?? I genuinely think he was explaining it to be helpful and nice, but WAS HE SERIOUSLY EXPLAINING BREAKFAST??
I should've known that his comment was a prelude to the rest of my day. I didn't run any cable because they didn't think it was appropriate to "throw me into the physical part of it just yet" and someone actually came out to babysit me while I was babysitting a light. *sigh*
But I did try to be a good sport about it though. After all, I was the new girl on the block and these guys who've been working with each other for years have no idea who I am or what's on my resume. The sad thing is that no one bothered to ask me. I guess the final annoying straw came when I was being nice and returning a piece of gear to the grip department:
Me: Hi, where do you want me to put this offset for you?
Grip: huh?
Me: This offset. I'm returning it to you. Where does it go?
Grip: Well, this is called a baby offset. It goes on top of a stand and it's used to...
Me: (impatient... kinda snapping) Yeah, I know what it is. I'm just wondering where it goes back to. One of your other guys used it for the Joker, but we're taking the rig apart.
Grip: oh... Well, I don't know...
Me: (sets it on one of their carts and walks away...)
I did feel a little bad after that happened though. I mean, as annoying as this whole baby treatment was, the guy did think he was doing me a favor. But on the bright side, after that exchange he did wise up enough to ask me if I've worked on set before (though he did assume it was only once or twice before) and we had what could actually be classified as a conversation. *gasp!* Too bad it was near the end of the day when it happened. Perhaps I should've shown my bitchy side earlier.
In the end, I didn't really get anything out of the experience other than a (much needed) paycheck. I was kind of disappointed. I guess it's my fault though. Despite me usually working on small potato productions, I've had my fair share of run ins with "old timers" and union folk, and they almost always turn out the same: they take one look at me and assume I can't do the job.
Whatevs. In all honesty, I'm starting to become jaded about working with guys like that. If they want to take work away from me under the assumption that I can't handle it, so be it. Chances are, they're getting paid more than I am anyway and who am I trying to impress? No matter how good of a job I do, I know that once a guy makes a snap judgment like that, there's no way he's going to hire me in the future anyway. Fuck em.
So anyway, I got all excited, counting down the days and making sure my gear was organized and accounted for. When it was time to work, however, I was surely disappointed. I don't know if it was because of the way I looked (female), or because I was simply the only non-union person therefore deemed incompetent, but most of those guys treated me like I didn't know one end of an extension cord from another. Only one guy was smart/nice enough to ask me if I've been on a shoot before, and he was the only one to actually put me to work (when there was work to be done anyway. It was a pretty easy day).
The best/worst offense was before the day even started and we were waiting for the pass van to take us to the location. I had just met the key grip and we were standing by the catering table and truck where breakfast was being served. Despite the fact that I've been there for half an hour and already ate the breakfast offered, the key goes on to actually explain the concept of breakfast to me, as well as how to get it, etc. (And for those of you who've never experienced an on-set breakfast, think a buffet style catered party. It's pretty self explanatory how you get food.) Seriously?? I genuinely think he was explaining it to be helpful and nice, but WAS HE SERIOUSLY EXPLAINING BREAKFAST??
I should've known that his comment was a prelude to the rest of my day. I didn't run any cable because they didn't think it was appropriate to "throw me into the physical part of it just yet" and someone actually came out to babysit me while I was babysitting a light. *sigh*
But I did try to be a good sport about it though. After all, I was the new girl on the block and these guys who've been working with each other for years have no idea who I am or what's on my resume. The sad thing is that no one bothered to ask me. I guess the final annoying straw came when I was being nice and returning a piece of gear to the grip department:
Me: Hi, where do you want me to put this offset for you?
Grip: huh?
Me: This offset. I'm returning it to you. Where does it go?
Grip: Well, this is called a baby offset. It goes on top of a stand and it's used to...
Me: (impatient... kinda snapping) Yeah, I know what it is. I'm just wondering where it goes back to. One of your other guys used it for the Joker, but we're taking the rig apart.
Grip: oh... Well, I don't know...
Me: (sets it on one of their carts and walks away...)
I did feel a little bad after that happened though. I mean, as annoying as this whole baby treatment was, the guy did think he was doing me a favor. But on the bright side, after that exchange he did wise up enough to ask me if I've worked on set before (though he did assume it was only once or twice before) and we had what could actually be classified as a conversation. *gasp!* Too bad it was near the end of the day when it happened. Perhaps I should've shown my bitchy side earlier.
In the end, I didn't really get anything out of the experience other than a (much needed) paycheck. I was kind of disappointed. I guess it's my fault though. Despite me usually working on small potato productions, I've had my fair share of run ins with "old timers" and union folk, and they almost always turn out the same: they take one look at me and assume I can't do the job.
Whatevs. In all honesty, I'm starting to become jaded about working with guys like that. If they want to take work away from me under the assumption that I can't handle it, so be it. Chances are, they're getting paid more than I am anyway and who am I trying to impress? No matter how good of a job I do, I know that once a guy makes a snap judgment like that, there's no way he's going to hire me in the future anyway. Fuck em.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I'm Used To Leaving Satisfied... What A Tease.
Since things have been so slow in terms of work, I decided to at least take advantage of the down time and go back to school. The cool thing is that I don't have to write papers or read X chapters by Tuesday, but instead, I'm taking a class on how to be an on set electrician. Because let's face it, I may know how to lay the cable and focus a light, but I suck at actually figuring out how much each cable can hold and troubleshooting a light with bad wiring.
Though so far, the class hasn't been all that informative (but then again, I've been on a few sets before) but I have learned something about myself: I love lighting.
I love laying down the cable runs. I love wrapping them all back up at the end of the day. I love the way a 1k baby feels right when you take it off the head cart. And I love the teamwork that goes into lighting every scene.
And yes, I've always loved lights. Ever since I was about 10, I knew I wanted in some way or another be the one to design the lighting for movies. But it wasn't until today, when after sitting through what seemed like hours of "on the set" anecdotes from a guest speaker, that I realized just how much I loved the craft.
It started dawning on me as I made my morning commute to class. I was actually excited about the day. It's been too long since I've been on a real set, lugging things around and driving home exhausted and I was looking forward to running some cable in class. And after a long lecture from out guest, we were finally ready to lay down some cable and do some lighting. My body was humming with excitement.
Unfortunately, I didn't get very far. Since I was technically a "beginner", I had to either spend my time shadowing a stiff, humorless "advanced" student or grouped with the other newbies who are just learning what a stinger is. What should have been a two person cabling job was done by ten of us and before we got anything really done, it was time to call it a day.
Talk about a tease.
I'm used to dragging my tired and beaten body to my car at the end of the day, and I'd leave the set feeling satisfied. There's no better feeling in the world than feeling like you were productive, and aching feet mean that you've definitely done your share. Barely laying out two sticks of banded before heading home? I've got so much energy to burn still that I have no idea what to do with myself. Ugh. There's no way I'm going to sleep well tonight.
But there's always tomorrow. I'm not due back in class until Thursday, but in the meantime, I get to day play as a grip on a friend's shoot. My body's humming with excitement already.
Though so far, the class hasn't been all that informative (but then again, I've been on a few sets before) but I have learned something about myself: I love lighting.
I love laying down the cable runs. I love wrapping them all back up at the end of the day. I love the way a 1k baby feels right when you take it off the head cart. And I love the teamwork that goes into lighting every scene.
And yes, I've always loved lights. Ever since I was about 10, I knew I wanted in some way or another be the one to design the lighting for movies. But it wasn't until today, when after sitting through what seemed like hours of "on the set" anecdotes from a guest speaker, that I realized just how much I loved the craft.
It started dawning on me as I made my morning commute to class. I was actually excited about the day. It's been too long since I've been on a real set, lugging things around and driving home exhausted and I was looking forward to running some cable in class. And after a long lecture from out guest, we were finally ready to lay down some cable and do some lighting. My body was humming with excitement.
Unfortunately, I didn't get very far. Since I was technically a "beginner", I had to either spend my time shadowing a stiff, humorless "advanced" student or grouped with the other newbies who are just learning what a stinger is. What should have been a two person cabling job was done by ten of us and before we got anything really done, it was time to call it a day.
Talk about a tease.
I'm used to dragging my tired and beaten body to my car at the end of the day, and I'd leave the set feeling satisfied. There's no better feeling in the world than feeling like you were productive, and aching feet mean that you've definitely done your share. Barely laying out two sticks of banded before heading home? I've got so much energy to burn still that I have no idea what to do with myself. Ugh. There's no way I'm going to sleep well tonight.
But there's always tomorrow. I'm not due back in class until Thursday, but in the meantime, I get to day play as a grip on a friend's shoot. My body's humming with excitement already.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Some People Are Just Ass Backwards...
One of the very first shoots I ever worked on mainly took place in an old, empty warehouse downtown. The AD was very adamant about kicking everyone off set that didn't have to be there, so the grips and electrics spent a lot of time just hanging out around the truck, smoking cigarettes and swapping stories. I remember one lively discussion topic being about cheap ass producers and skewed budgets. It's not uncommon for a producer to aim for a high production value when they don't have the cash for it, so they'll often splurge on the good stuff like high end dollies, state of the art jibs, and big ass lights. This becomes a problem when they decide to skimp on the crew to save money. Sure, they now have the fancy equipment to make their film look great, but they're not going to have enough crew to use it. Or they may have enough guys, but based on the rate they're getting paid, they're not going to know much. And a PA does not an electrician make.
This kind of story comes back time and time again. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a shoot where the crew size should've been at least double what it actually was. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of independent film.
Though I've been out of the game for a little while now (darn you actors and your non-existent contracts!), I was reminded of this silly little practice today when I got an e-mail from a director/producer. Apparently, he wanted to hire me for his project this weekend, but could only afford to pay $25/day.
Yeah, that's right. $25/day. WTF??
Apparently, he sacrificed a huge part of the budget so he could hire a really good DP, and is now left with almost nothing to pay for a crew. In my opinion, that's just ass backwards. You can have a pretty inexperienced DP, but if you hire the rest of the crew well, they can fill in the gaps for him and stuff ends up turning out pretty well. And from what I've seen, people who have had as taste for the good life (ie: productions with money, labor rules, and/or a well-seasoned crew) generally have a hard time going back to a shoot with no budget where they have to do everything themselves.
The sad thing is, I probably would've took the job if they at least offered me minimum wage. But I guess what's even sadder is that they couldn't even afford that. Silly people...
This kind of story comes back time and time again. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a shoot where the crew size should've been at least double what it actually was. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of independent film.
Though I've been out of the game for a little while now (darn you actors and your non-existent contracts!), I was reminded of this silly little practice today when I got an e-mail from a director/producer. Apparently, he wanted to hire me for his project this weekend, but could only afford to pay $25/day.
Yeah, that's right. $25/day. WTF??
Apparently, he sacrificed a huge part of the budget so he could hire a really good DP, and is now left with almost nothing to pay for a crew. In my opinion, that's just ass backwards. You can have a pretty inexperienced DP, but if you hire the rest of the crew well, they can fill in the gaps for him and stuff ends up turning out pretty well. And from what I've seen, people who have had as taste for the good life (ie: productions with money, labor rules, and/or a well-seasoned crew) generally have a hard time going back to a shoot with no budget where they have to do everything themselves.
The sad thing is, I probably would've took the job if they at least offered me minimum wage. But I guess what's even sadder is that they couldn't even afford that. Silly people...
Monday, February 23, 2009
WTF??
So I know I may seem a tad "depressed" lately, but other than a few moments here and there, I think I've been in pretty good spirits considering the present situations in the global, local, and personal sense. And I'm trying to focus more on the positive things instead of looking at my dwindling bank figures all day.
And while it's nice to know that there are those out there who support me in my fruitless endeavors, what I don't need is a "helpful friend" who makes me feel like shit on a rare day that I was feeling really good about myself (ie: my birthday.)
It was sweet of him to remember my birthday. It really was. Especially since he's been traveling quite a bit recently and I haven't talked to him in a while. It was even more touching that he took the time to send me an e-mail when I have absolutely no idea when his birthday is, and I'm the type of person who remembers everyone's birthday. But when he includes in said e-mail a a link to a pretty annoying site (I'll leave the third party out of this rant) and says,
"This will make you feel better about yourself. I promise."
that pretty much negates any kind of goodwill he's got going for him.
Like I said earlier, I haven't spoken to this "friend" in a while, and the last time we hung out, I was in a much better place. Which means he's either the totally clueless but "means well" type that needs to shove a foot in his mouth, or he's an asshole who thinks I'm lame. Either way, I now seem him as the kind of guy who'll drag me down, in every sense of the phrase.
Consider yourself toxic.
And while it's nice to know that there are those out there who support me in my fruitless endeavors, what I don't need is a "helpful friend" who makes me feel like shit on a rare day that I was feeling really good about myself (ie: my birthday.)
It was sweet of him to remember my birthday. It really was. Especially since he's been traveling quite a bit recently and I haven't talked to him in a while. It was even more touching that he took the time to send me an e-mail when I have absolutely no idea when his birthday is, and I'm the type of person who remembers everyone's birthday. But when he includes in said e-mail a a link to a pretty annoying site (I'll leave the third party out of this rant) and says,
"This will make you feel better about yourself. I promise."
that pretty much negates any kind of goodwill he's got going for him.
Like I said earlier, I haven't spoken to this "friend" in a while, and the last time we hung out, I was in a much better place. Which means he's either the totally clueless but "means well" type that needs to shove a foot in his mouth, or he's an asshole who thinks I'm lame. Either way, I now seem him as the kind of guy who'll drag me down, in every sense of the phrase.
Consider yourself toxic.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
It's Been A While...
I haven't posted in a while.
I guess maybe because there's not a whole lot to write about. Things have been slow... I haven't had any real work in months, and even then it wasn't enough to pay the bills. The bills, on the other hand, keep increasing. The holidays came and went. The economy got suckier. And now, I'm a whole year older.
And just my luck, as I was browsing through this week's PostSecrets, there was this little gem.
And want to know the funny thing? I saved it. I downloaded the image onto my computer for safe keeping. Not because I particularly agree with it or anything, but because I found the irony of it all to be so great that I actually had a good laugh at it.
Which got me thinking... If I can find the humor (albeit, somewhat dark humor) in this, then maybe things aren't so bleak after all. Maybe instead of stressing on the bad stuff (no work, no money, no one to to the dishes for me) I should seek out the positive (caring friends, good neighbors, more chocolate in my apartment right now than I can eat).
I'll be heading off to bed soon, but when I wake up in the morning, I'll officially be in my mid-twenties, which I guess isn't a too bad of a place to be. Sure, I'm still broke with a never ending pile of laundry to do, but tomorrow's a new day. And who knows what that'll bring?
I guess maybe because there's not a whole lot to write about. Things have been slow... I haven't had any real work in months, and even then it wasn't enough to pay the bills. The bills, on the other hand, keep increasing. The holidays came and went. The economy got suckier. And now, I'm a whole year older.
And just my luck, as I was browsing through this week's PostSecrets, there was this little gem.
And want to know the funny thing? I saved it. I downloaded the image onto my computer for safe keeping. Not because I particularly agree with it or anything, but because I found the irony of it all to be so great that I actually had a good laugh at it.
Which got me thinking... If I can find the humor (albeit, somewhat dark humor) in this, then maybe things aren't so bleak after all. Maybe instead of stressing on the bad stuff (no work, no money, no one to to the dishes for me) I should seek out the positive (caring friends, good neighbors, more chocolate in my apartment right now than I can eat).
I'll be heading off to bed soon, but when I wake up in the morning, I'll officially be in my mid-twenties, which I guess isn't a too bad of a place to be. Sure, I'm still broke with a never ending pile of laundry to do, but tomorrow's a new day. And who knows what that'll bring?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
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