No Promises.

Four years since my last post. 

In those four years...

Family members were lost.

Friends were lost.

Mentors retired.

Strikes happened.

Mergers happened.

The world feels like it's on fire, literally and politically.

Is anyone even here anymore to read this?

In the last four years, I've also...

Gained new friends.

Gained new perspectives.

Gained new fears.

These last few years have been rough on me personally. That toxic crew I last wrote about? Turned out to be more toxic than I thought. Friends who I thought were friends were no friends at all. Almost everyone there (save for two in their own sub department) had their own personal agenda, whether it was out in the open then or months after wrap. The wolves that came out from under sheep clothing were the ones that hurt the most. 

Around that same time, I lost a parent. I'm not even going to talk about the grieving process, but with it came a lot of legal concerns, asset concerns, and the realization that healthcare in this country is more fucked up than I thought. That led to lots of thoughts about life, death, our time on Earth, the marks we leave (or don't) and legal things like executors and wills. 

These last few years have been rough on everyone professionally. After COVID lockdown ended, the industry had a lot of catching up to do and wow, what a time. But then came the strikes, grinding everything to a halt. After the strikes came the contractions and the mergers. And suddenly hardly anyone was working anymore. There were always the hopeful whispers of, "Once this strike ends, we'll all get back to work," "Once these new contracts get negotiated, we'll all get back to work," "Once the tax incentives pass, we'll all get back to work..." 

"Survive until 2025" became an industry mantra that came and went and no one had any more hope left to come up with a quippy slogan for 2026. 

I'll be honest, I faired better than most. Just enough work came in for me that I was able to keep my hours up and pay my bills. But gone was the sense of security I once had. It took me YEARS of taking every job I got called for, rest and personal life be damned, before I finally began to take the time off I needed, because after years of worrying this next job will be my last, the calls kept coming. Now, I'm back to worrying where my next job is coming from after this one wraps. I'm back to worrying about whether or not I can take time off and visit family if I haven't worked enough to keep my health insurance yet. I'm back to a small list of contacts in my phone because after years of little to no work, I'm not even sure who is still in this business and who left for other opportunities. All the "Hey, how's it going? I'm available for work!" texts had stopped long ago. Pointless to send when everyone was sending out the same thing. In so many ways, I feel like I'm working myself up from the bottom again. 

It's a little weird whenever someone on set asks me if my goal is to Best or Gaff because it always takes me by surprise. Oh yeah, I did have thoughts of that once, didn't I? I have a couple of those credits under my belt, don't I? But any momentum I had climbing up the ranks is long gone, replaced by taking any call that comes my way. I tell them that survival takes priority over ambition and everyone always understands, being in the same boat themselves.

But, despite all odds, I'm still here. At least for now. I would like to try to get back to posting here semi regularly, even if no one is around anymore to read it, because it is a journal of my time here, on Earth and in this industry. For however longer that may be. But life has a funny way of disrupting your plans. So no promises.