"What Did I Give Up?"

 

*Note: As previously mentioned, I'm going through an old journal and posting some entries here. This is one of them.

What did I give up?

I left a show, a family, that's been there fore me for the past eight years to spend the next five months working with strangers, all for a Gaffer I'm not even sure I like. One who often promises things he'll forget about or not follow through on. 

I've given up day playing with people I haven't seen for over a year to work for someone who never once asked me if I was okay when I got sick on his show. I given up up working with people who care about me to work for someone who ignores me once someone else starts talking.

Right now, I feel like I don't fit in here. I don't know what he expects of me. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I expect from myself. And I don't know why he practically begged for me to be here if he's just going to cast me aside. I feel somewhat lost and lonely, which is something I haven't felt in a while. If ever. 

I don't feel like I made the wrong choice by being here. But I don't feel excited or happy about this opportunity either. 

Maybe because I don't have a sense of purpose here and I keep thinking about the other jobs I could be on. The projects where I'm valued and it's noticed when I'm gone. Projects where we work as a team. Where I feel like I'm somebody and matter. 

Am I feeling sad because I'm mourning the loss of my "other life"? The loss of [a longtime co-worker]? Both? Or am I just that unhappy here? How do I figure this out?