I had no idea it's been so long since I posted anything. I thought maybe a couple months had gone by instead of half a year!
Truth is, I've been in a blah mood. I'm still running with some good crews and stayed away from the previously written about shit crew, but when I don't have the distraction of work, I'm feeling unmotivated. It's been almost a year since that show wrapped and honestly, I still think about it a lot. I still keep in touch with a few people there (I loved them enough to stay after all) but sometimes I think back to how terribly I was treated and how those I needed to have my back, didn't. I think I suffered a lot of mental trauma from that show, questioning my self worth and my self esteem taking a hit. It took a long time for me to be comfortable actually participating on set when I went back to day playing and sometimes it still surprises me that co-workers are looking at me when I'm speaking, because they're actually listening to me. How fucked up is that? (How fucked up am I?)
Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll eventually be in a good enough place to write about it. This blog is kind of a journal of my life in this industry, and it wouldn't be complete without this chapter, especially since it's effected me so. But I'm still trying to wrap my head around what exactly happened and see the bigger picture. I need some clarity before I can step back and reflect on it. And as I've tried to spend the past year trying to figure that out, life also keeps coming at me. Loved ones have passed. Loved ones have left. New worries arise while the old worries are still hanging around. These past few months have been a lot and I'm just trying to get through it all, one step at a time.
I'll get through it all eventually. I just don't know when. But in the meantime, I found an old journal with some stories that relate to this industry, so I might post those. Maybe converting them here will inspire me to write more and get me out of this funk I'm in.
Sorry for being M.I.A. I hope you're still here reading.
Love,
-A.J.
1 comment :
Good to have you back. Life in general -- and life in Hollywood -- is a roller coaster, and sometimes that ride takes us down into and through some dark territory. I went through some bad shit during my 40 years in the industry -- personal and professional -- and can count at least four times I really thought my time in Hollywood was over: once when I was just DONE with the whole fucking circus, and three more times when I thought Hollywood was done with me. It turned out I was wrong each time, and maybe I learned something in that bruising educational process.
There's a lot to be said for day-playing -- have gloves, will travel -- so long as you can log enough hours to hang on to your health plan. Working with a lot of different people is a good thing, and may pay off down the road, because you never know what's coming or who will be a position to hire you in the future. It's good to do that now rather than later, because when you get older -- and I'm speaking from experience here -- waking up at 4 in the morning to make a long drive for a 6 or 7 a.m. call and a 12 to 14 hour day holds considerably less appeal. At that point, a steady gig on a show with a good crew is very welcome.
For me, the bad times didn't pass in a hurry, often lingering for two or three years -- but I soldiered on through and eventually things always got better. So keep the faith, hang tough, and as the saying goes, "do your best work."
Welcome back.
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