Thursday, February 14, 2013

I Am Alone, But I Am Not Lonely.

From PostSecret.

"So," my co-worker started, trying to fill in the time between set ups, "how come you don't have a boyfriend?" This question was then followed by "When was the last time you went on a date?" and "Do you want me to fix you up?" [Note: He's totally serious.] and then followed by the even more embarrassing and infuriating situation of him explaining to me the importance of "getting out there," the miracle of online-dating and, believe it or not, how my biological clock was ticking.

Thanks, dude, for the biology lesson about my own body.

And I wish I could say this was just a one time incident, but sadly, it happens more than you'd think and way more often than I'd like.

It'd be bad enough if I was a regular on a crew and just had to face the same people everyday, but at least there's the hope that they'd tire of the topic sooner or later. But I'm not a regular on a crew. I'm a day player, working on different shows all the time and I feel like that kind of "conversation"* happens on any show I've been on for more than a day.

It's worth noting that none of these guys are bringing up my relationship status because they want to get in my pants. Oddly enough, the ones usually bringing the subject to light are either married, have a girlfriend, or I'm obviously not their type. They're bringing it up because they're "concerned" (their word, not mine) that I'm going to end up shriveled and alone.

But what I don't get is that if I'm not worried about my perpetual singledom, why are they so concerned with it?

No, I'm not dating anyone right now, and no, I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend. I have more important things to deal with in my life right now. And yes, I am alone, but more importantly, I am not lonely. I do not wish I was married right now. I do not wish to be barefoot and pregnant right now. I am okay with not having a boyfriend. And I do not need a man in my life to help define who I am, be it a significant other or a "helpful" colleague offering unsolicited "advice."

And no, I'm not a lesbian.

I did not think any of this made me a freak, but apparently, it does in the eyes of my male co-workers. I guess to them, if I don't have a man and I'm not desperate to get one, I must need help.

But all these "Why are you single?" talks don't help at all. Instead, they make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Like it's now or never if I want to have a kid. Like I should date an asshole because dating anyone is better than not dating at all. Like not being in a relationship is unhealthy.

But it's simply not true. And I hate that I have to remind myself that it's not true after every single one of those conversations.

I don't ask my male counterparts if they own or rent, and then promptly tell them that they need to buy a house. That time's running out and they must act now if they ever wish to own property and that there are even websites to help them with the search. I especially don't mention these things if they've never even said anything about real estate or wanting to stop being a renter. It's their life. They're adults. And who am I to tell them what they should and shouldn't do with their personal life? Is it too much to ask that they extend me the same courtesy?

So in case you're "concerned" about me, this Valentine's Day, yes, I will be alone. But I will not be lonely. I will spend the evening sitting on my couch, eating a box of chocolate while watching chick flicks and romantic comedies. I know that may sound sad and pathetic to some of you, but fuck you. Who are you to judge me? I love doing shit like that. And despite being single, I love Valentine's Day and what better way to celebrate than watching two people fall in love, even if it's just in a cheesy movie.

Please do not try to "fix me" or fix me up. Or recommend a website. I am fine. I'm one of the few people I know who can say I like where I am right now. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me.

And for the record, my biological clock is none of your damn business, thankyouverymuch.

Ps. Happy Valentine's Day!

* Is it a conversation if I feel like I'm getting lectured?


JB Bruno said...

Do any of these folks know it's 2013? For all the great women who work in every aspect of this business, it never ceases to amaze me how misogynist it is. Happy Valentines Day - your celebration sounds great.

JD said...

Agreed. Being alone, un-attached (male or female) doesn't equate lonely.
It could actually be spun to your fellow crew person, "helpful Harold", as an advantage, go anywhere, work anywhere, do what you want on a moments notice. You can work on a film in Bulgaria for 3 months, most married, committed, etc. people, couldn't do so as easily.

Live your dream.

Ed (sloweddi) said...

You would be amazed at how many of my single friends have the same problem. Since my advanced age has taken me out of the game, I just sort of look back and chuckle.

My favorite is my friend Jenny who, when asked this question too many times, used the line from the movie Real Genius... the one about the 2by4. It shut everyone up for good.

A Happy Val day, Presidents Day, and a Happy Saturday

Anonymous said...

Favorite comment I've received on a set with all-male crew: "Your dad must be freakin' out that he hasn't married you off yet. Worrying this might be more than a short-term thing, right? Har har har."

Yeah the guy was old and a visitor to the set but he wasn't joking! And called this out in front of all my professional colleagues, who I'd been trying to prove myself to all day (since I was day-playing and the youngest person there by a lot). Thanks, man. If you're not going to let me feel like part of the team, then at least let me do my job, OK?

I did the same thing on Valentine's Day, and loved it! And contrary to even my friends' beliefs, I'm not just saying that to make light of my spinster existence or make myself feel better. Can't a girl load in to set or eat an entire box of candy in peace!?

A.J. said...

JB Bruno - Honestly, I'm not sure if it's misogyny or if they just don't understand why anyone, male or female, isn't clamoring to pair up.

JD - I agree. However, I can just hear "Helpful Harold's" response now: "But don't you want someone to come home to?" Barf.

Ed - I'm going to have to admit I've never seen Real Genius. What's the line?
And happy holidays to you too! :)

Anonymous - YES. THANK YOU. There are some of us who actually like staying in and watching a movie while pigging out. But there's no way to say it without someone (ie: everyone) thinking you're just saying that to make yourself feel better.

I'm sorry that old visitor was such an ass, but I'm glad you had a rockin' Valentine's Day!

Ed (sloweddi) said...

The line is very risque for the movies and I hope I can type this without blushing and I will have to paraphrase this because it has been a long time since I saw the movie.
He: When are we going to get together?
She: Can you pound a 10penny nail through a 2by4 with your P***s ??
He: Ummmm ...No
She: Well a girl has to have her standards.

Jessica said...

I couldn't stop laughing while reading your post and I'm glad theblackandblue referred me to your blog! <3

I have the opposite problem - I am married to a videographer/editor/etc. So every shoot I go on I get "does he take you on shoots a lot?" Like I'm his fucking PET! God forbid I operate the camera! "Oh, you're operating? I thought he would do that...." :/

Shine 'em on...they will never understand. :)

A.J. said...

Jessica - Great. You mean I'll have to put up with this crap even when I'm married?? I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. ;)

Thanks for reading!

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License .