I'm Not Your Mom.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have an announcement to make: If we're ever on a set together, please note that I am not your mother.

I know it may be a confusing concept to grasp at times, especially if I'm Besting and part of my job is to take care of you. Like, making sure you get a call sheet and know where the location is. Or making sure that you're paid correctly, go home on time, and that you're not over worked. I may even make sure you get fed every six hours.

However, some things are up to you to take care of, such as...

• Getting yourself to set on time. You have an alarm clock. Use it. Do not expect me to call you every fucking day to wake you up (true story).

• Wearing sunscreen. If it's 90 degrees outside and we're doing exterior shots all day, it's a damn good idea to use sunscreen. I don't care if you "don't burn easily," but I do care if I have a grip who's in too much pain to do anything the next day. Just humor me and slap some on. Better safe than sorry. Plus, I don't want to have to spend the next week watching your skin peeling off. Eww.

• Staying hydrated. 90 degree weather or not, if you're sweating, you need to drink some water. And if you're not sweating, then you're either not working hard enough or you're already way too dehydrated. Either way, you're not coming back tomorrow, so drink up.

• Eating your veggies. Staying healthy on a film set is important. Long hours and crappy conditions don't exactly equal a healthy immune system, so everyone should do the best they can to at least eat right. We spend so much time together in cramped sets/trucks/pass vans that one sick person can easily infect the whole crew. You may not like the steamed broccoli that's being served at lunch, but a couple of bites won't kill you.

• Putting on a jacket when it gets cold. Even in the middle of summer, night shoots can get chilly. See above about why it's important to not get sick when you're working. And none of this macho "I'm not cold" crap either when your arms are clearly covered in goosebumps. Who are you trying to impress?

• Cleaning up after yourselves. I think we're all capable of throwing away our own trash and not leaving candy wrappers in the back of the truck or empty coffee cups on the head carts.

• Staying off drugs. I don't really care what you do on your time off, but just don't bring it on set. Not only does it make you a liability to work with, but if caught, it makes your whole department look bad. Even worse is when you have the rest of your team cover for you when you're "on a break."

• Going to bed on time. Sleep is important. Don't be the guy who goes straight from a day job into a night shoot, tells me he doesn't need sleep, goes hangs out with his friends all day, and then gets so disoriented from the lack of rest that he can't even form a complete sentence when I call him up to work the next day. Not only does that make you a safety hazard, but more importantly, that shows me what an idiot you are.

• Playing well with others. You may not like everyone that you work with, but you're stuck with them for 14 hours a day anyway. I don't have the time or patience to play mediator, give time outs, or send people to opposite corners of the set. Don't be a jackass. Act like a professional, suck it up and play nice.

• Personal hygiene. Enough said.

If you're old enough to work on a film set, I'm too young to be your mom, so please don't make me feel like one. In fact, if you're old enough to work on a film set, you're old enough to take care of yourself. I shouldn't have to nag you about eating right or follow you around with a bottle of sunscreen and an extra sweater.


Sincerely,
-Not Your Mom.