"I Will Not Watch Your Fucking Film."

There was an excellent commentary last week in the Village Voice titled "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script," written by screen writer Josh Olson of A History of Violence fame.

If you don't have the time to read it, it's basically a rant of why you shouldn't ask someone for notes on a script if you're a wannabe writer. Not only is it an imposition, but it puts the reader in an awkward position: you'll piss off the writer if you say it's bad, yet you're not doing him any favors by saying it's good. You could sugar coat the truth, but that might not go over too well either. Plus, it takes forever to get the wording right on a well crafted "you-suck-but-don't-feel-bad" email without the other person thinking you're a condescending jack-ass. You're basically screwed no matter what you do.

Though I may not be a writer, can definitely sympathize with Mr. Olson.

Most of us out there who are doing the dirty work on a film set aspire to be something else. A PA usually wants to be a director or a writer or a producer. Camera assistants often want to become operators or DPs. Ask a young electric if they plan on pulling cable for the rest of their career and 99.9% of the time, the answer is "Fuck no." Which means that most of us are there to just pay the rent. Meanwhile, there are a lot of side projects going on, in hopes that one of them will be our big break and take us out of our way-below-the-line misery.

And if you have a bunch of film industry friends, you'll inevitably be asked to watch one of their films or take a look at their latest script. And that's when you feel like directing them to the previously mentioned article.

Let's be honest. Most of the time these "personal projects" are crap. All too often, they're based on what happened when the writer was on the high school track team or the summer they spent driving across the country. In other words, stories that are only interesting to them.

And then there's the dialogue. It's rarely ever natural and the characters usually end up too much alike and bland or too off the wall and unrelatable. 9 times out of 10, it's obvious that they're trying too hard to be the next Juno or Little Miss Sunshine. Yet interestingly enough, if its a script, it's usually riddled with spelling mistakes and punctuation errors. If they're not going to take the time to read their own writing over, why should I spend my own time reading it?

And it's best not to get me started on the films. Most of the ones I'm asked for my opinion on are shot horribly. The sound is bad, continuity is all wrong, the lighting's too dark, and the stylistic choice of having mirrors and "reflections" in every shot is more of a distraction than an artistic commentary. Not to mention the laughable dialogue, bad acting, and the obvious use of your mom's basement for every set.

So what are you supposed to do the next time you get an e-mail that says "Hey Friend! Attached is my latest script/short film/'passion project'. Let me know what you think!"? You know it's going to be bad. At best, it'll be "just okay". You could probably get away with non-comments like "I really like that opening song. Who sings it?" but you can't get away with notes like that forever. You can try to give actual notes that might be of use, but good luck trying to do that without sounding like a pretentious know-it-all. If you're really nice, you could take the time to make bad criticisms sound good ("Bill's character's so funny that I think he should belong in a comedy! He's such a strong contradiction to Janice's character... Was that what you were going for?") but if you've got three pages of notes on a 5 minute project, you'll probably end up spending more time on it than they have. Plus, they probably won't get your subtle hints to read between the lines.

I actually have no problem with giving you my brutal, honest opinion if you really want it. But I'm smart enough to know that while most people may say "give me an honest opinion," they really don't want to hear it. They just want you to tell them that it's the best thing you've ever seen so they'll feel accomplished and awesome. They just want the validation. In that case, why should I even bother looking at the thing? It's a waste of my time.

So let's review. If your project sucks (and it most likely does), there's no way for me to gracefully say so without sounding like an ass. If I lie and say it's good, I wouldn't be a very good friend and a little part of me dies inside, thus, again, I'm an ass. If I refuse to look at it right off the bat, then I'm the ass who won't take time out of my day to help a friend. All three options make me look/sound/feel like an ass. But since the last option is the most efficient in terms of time, we'll go with that one.

And hey! Here's an idea. Since the answer is no, I will not watch your fucking film, how about you don't even bother asking me in the first place?