2018.

Oh man... What to say about this year.

I've had my ups and downs this year. I've had a couple of health issues and scares. I've had family members with their own health issues and scares.

I've had days where I'm just overwhelmed with everything. Some days, things would just pile on one after another with nothing getting resolved.

I miss friends who aren't here anymore. I miss the friends I've sadly lost touch with. I miss the friends I'm too busy to see and who are too busy to see me.

I turned down jobs on shows I love and I turned down jobs with people I love even more.

I fell behind on posts for this blog.

I've been rejected, poked at, bad mouthed, lied to, mocked and disregarded.

But some good things happened this year, too.

I met some really cool people on my shows. I learned that not all actors segregate themselves from the crew. Some co-workers became friends. Some became more than friends. Some became... I dunno what.

I learned that I can survive things. That if I just focus on the task at hand and not on what the outcome may be, things seem a little more manageable and a little less scary. I've learned to take things one step at a time.

I've learned that some friendships can transcend distance. Things may not be the same between you and them anymore, but true friendships can hold strong. And it'll make those times when you do see them so much better. And it'll make you miss them that much more when they leave again.

But missing them is a good thing. As is heartache. And frustration. And pain. It's what makes you part of the living, instead of mindlessly going through the motions. It's what makes you understand art and music and poetry and writing. It's what makes you understand why Ariana Grande is more than just a pop star* with a short-lived engagement.

I've taken jobs I didn't want to take, and have grown so much from them. I stepped down from a high position to take a lower one, and in turn, I was given the opportunity to step up to an even higher one. And damn it, I rocked it. I learned that I'm good at what I do. Like, really good. (And if I'm not, I at least can put up a pretty convincing illusion!)

I also discovered I can hold my own. When it comes down to things that matter, I'm slowly learning how to stand up for myself. As I get older, I find myself less willing to put up with bullshit. So fuck off, Alphas. I'm not going to be pushed around anymore.

I feel like I'm usually pretty open to trying new things, but this year might've been more about self discovery. I've climbed mountains on my own. I went to shows on my own. I've had some pretty fantastic meals on my own. I learned that I can be on my own and be just fine. I like myself. I mean, I'm a pretty fucking fantastic person.

I also learned that just because I like being on my own doesn't mean I'm rejecting the idea of finding someone. It means that I haven't found the right person. And that's okay.

2018 has felt both long and short at the same time. I can't wait to see what 2019 has in store for me, but part of me doesn't want to let 2018 go just yet either. Or maybe that's another lesson here: I need to learn when to let something go.


Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and here's to a Fucking Fantastic 2019!



*Seriously. Watch it.